I don't know why but I suddenly found myself listening to this playlist I made before summer started. I made this because I felt, for the first time in my entire existence, heartbroken. Two months ago, I was so emotional. I felt depressed and bitter. I never wear my heart on my sleeve and when I was forced to wear it, I was just devastated. I listened to this playlist over and over again. I find it crazy that I was already in a sad state and yet I still listened to depressing songs. It was like adding insult to injury--like sprinkling salt on an open wound. I cried myself to sleep at times then. Looking back, I feel so stupid for crying but it actually helped. I woke up feeling like shit--like I wasn't worth anyone's damn. I didn't feel good about myself. I just wanted to crawl under a hole and die there.
Heartaches are never good. That is a given. They're also inevitable in life. There are also no rules in liking anyone but I guess the only rule is that it's always going to be a hit-miss thing in love. It's either you do good and you end up happy or you mess up and it's a missed romance. This kind of heartache, when I felt it, it was unbelievably painful. It was my first time to feel that way (and I'm doubting it would be the last) but I just couldn't believe a person could cause someone so much pain. This one person who was once just a face in a tide of people you come across with every single day suddenly becomes a whole lot more to you. His/her face suddenly becomes something so valuable and memorable that you just can't help yourself but grow attached to them and hold them dear. You grow so attached and start seeing them in a different light but without doing anything about it because you're so afraid to lose them. You start feeling suffocated by feelings that are wanting to burst out of you but you force them down with a tight seal. And then when it's out in the open, you start hearing your heart shatter and suddenly, it's like you're the victim. But that's just the problem. Why would you feel pain if you know you were unintentionally hurt by them? The person never even had the slightest idea that you were hurting and they were causing that pain. How can you blame that person or even hate that person? Why grow bitter towards them? Why do something to strain the relationship you currently have? Why does there have to be tears?
Given that there are other factors to consider--maybe the person was leading you on or made promises of a love that could possible grow between you two or something to that effect. But in the end, weren't you the one who held on so tightly to those expectations? Weren't you the one who clung to the very hope that maybe--just maybe--you'll end up with the person your heart aches for? Weren't you the one making assumptions? This sounds like I'm blaming the one with the broken heart. But you know what, I'm not. I'm the one with the broken heart but I didn't blame myself. I did at first but no use doing it. It just brought me down. I blamed it on nothing. I just thought, well, hey, that's life. It wasn't meant to be. It didn't work out. Move on. Because that is the only logical reason to do. If you keep blaming yourself or the person who caused you pain or whatever cosmic matter you wish to blame, you'll only keep sinking down to negativity and won't be able to get past the pain and see clearly.
Going back, yes, maybe I was the one who assumed there was something. I was the one who expected. I was the one who grew so attached. It's hard not to blame something. But that's why we have to learn accepting what happened and letting go. It's crazy to get so hurt over something you didn't even have to begin with. Pain caused by someone else shouldn't last long. Because if it does, most probably, it's self-inflicted. Most people have a hard time letting go. They tag so many places, events, time, date, things etc. with memories that will just make them bitter. I used to frown and feel a pang of pain in my chest when I went to places I knew I went to with that someone. My memory was so cruel. But now, I go there and, well, it's just a place. I just smile back at the memories and think to myself, it's all good. I do admit, it took me a while to get to this state I'm in. But before, I didn't think it was possible. And you know what, it is possible--moving on and letting go. It's a long process, but seeing progress with yourself--growing as a person--is actually an exhilarating experience.
I don't know what point I'm actually driving at with this post. I was just triggered by the playlist. But I'm glad to say that I'm not feeling broken anymore. Of course, there will still be some lingering feelings but, I'm honestly quite over it. I feel so stupid for going through such drama but I'm thankful I experienced it. I guess now, I know how to handle myself better. No more staying inside the bathroom, crying my eyes out for hours. No more negative aura lurking through places. No more negative conversations. Maybe there will be, when my emotions overwhelm me. But hey, as long as I know I'll get through it. I made it once, I'm sure I can make it again with less wounds.
My friend asked me, what made me suddenly switch from this cruddy, dramatic, depressed, negative, bitter, angry person to a, well, still a bit dramatic but already bubbly one? The simple answer? Friends. Always have a support system who can cheer you up in a blink of an eye. I'm so thankful I met new people (a very very fun set of people) over the course of the summer. They made me forget why I was listening to this playlist. Now, this playlist is nothing but...well...a simple playlist. No meanings attached. Just a list of songs I used to play to serve my emotional sadism. (Haha.) In the end, if you want to be hurt, be hurt. But don't let it control you. Don't make it last. Stop thinking of the "what-ifs" and the "what-could-have-beens". Stop expecting that the world will turn around and it'll work out after all. Those rarely happen and for most of the time, it doesn't. Laugh. Smile. Be with people. Do things that make you absolutely happy. And also, don't lose connection with the person who caused you pain even if it hurts. Let the pain stand for a while, and when you've finally let go, try to re-establish a friendship with the person. Do not strain the relationship. Because somewhere, before you felt broken, you were friends--and a great one, at that. Don't ever lose that. That person already made a mark on your heart. Keep them there as a stamp and not as a scar. Maybe this isn't applicable to everyone, but for me, it was. I already lost a possibility. I didn't want to lose what was already there.
And maybe who knows, one day, I'll tell my future daughter how stupid her mom was for being so overly dramatic over a boy who made her feel like she was something special. I can laugh back at it like it was a fond memory, rather than a painful one. Actually, I think I'm halfway there. :) (With the fond memory, not the daughter. God, I hope not! Haha.)
